I Wouldn't Know A Swinger If A Pierced Vagina Was Thrown In My Face.

It took me forever to figure out what TBT is. I figured I was safe because I got all my shots when I was in school and in the Army. So, in honor of throwback Thursday, I present you with a little story that happened MANY years ago.

The hubby and I went to a nice little bar where a live band was playing and we ended up hanging out with a couple. After a few drinks, I use the ladies room and she follows me in.
"I have something to show you!" Next thing I knew, there was a shaved, pierced vajayjay in my face.
"What do you think?" she asks. "Um, I think that looks like it hurt!" I respond. After this, we have a normal conversation and I figure she's drunk. I mean, I've had boobs flopped in my face and nothing ever came from it, so no biggie. Us women are crazy and even crazier things happen in the restroom.

A couple hours go by. "Baby, these guys are swingers," my hubby whispers to me. What? No, no way. "No, they're not. They're just friendly." He sighs and shrugs his shoulders. The nice couple invites us back to their hotel room after the bar closes and I happily agree. Again, the hubby tells me they're swingers and I dismiss his paranoia.

We go into the hotel room, have a little smoky-smoky and drinky-drinky and the guy proceeds to tell me some of his cop adventures. See, he was a cop, that's how I KNEW we were safe and that my husband was mistaken. Then the story takes a turn, and he starts talking about how he likes to videotape his wife naked in the hot tub....having sex with other men. As a matter-of-fact, he just videotaped her last week. I'm starting to get a little uneasy now. Is that the cop's hand on my knee? Why is my new friend trying to sit on my hubby's lap and show him her boobies?

I quickly excuse myself and tell the couple that I need to use the restroom and that the hubby needs to come with me. They're fine with that, so off to the bathroom we go. I quickly lock the door because the cop's wife is following us. "Baby," I loudly whisper, "I think they're SWINGERS!!!" My husband gives me an amused look and says,"What gave you THAT idea." Sarcastic son-of-a...

So now I'm panicked and we're trapped in the bathroom with nowhere to go. The cop's wife is at the door asking if everything's okay, meanwhile I'm trying to figure out a way to politely get the hell out of there. Yeah, like I said, this was MANY years ago, and I've come a long way, baby. Nowadays, the first thing out of my mouth when I meet a nice couple is: I don't swing and I don't want to go to your church. No offense to swingers or outgoing churchgoers.

I tell the wife everything is fine and we'll be out in a moment. We leave the bathroom, sit as far across the room as we possibly can, and casually sip our wine cooler (I said I've come a long way, dammit!) "Oh! Shit, I forgot that I left my phone in the car and I need to make a phone call." The cop insists I can use the hotel phone, or at the very least, his phone. I'm adamant."Oh no, the number I need to call is stored in my phone." The couple seems to buy my story until I mention that I need the hubby to come along with me. "He's got the car keys," I say. "Can't he just give you the keys?" they ask. "Sure, but I just bought the phone and don't exactly know how to use it", I explain.
"Can't you just bring the phone from the car into the hotel room?" Crap, I'm getting nowhere fast.

"Hey guys, the husband's got to go with me. We'll be right back. Look, we HAVE to come back because we're bringing our wine coolers with us." That made perfect sense to the couple and we were free to go. "Hurry back," they slurred.

The hubby and I casually walk out, close the door behind us and begin a slow walk to the car until: CRASH! My wine cooler bottle hits the ground and breaks. The door behind us flies open. The hubby and I look at each other and simultaneously yell,"SHIT!" and take off running to the car. The couple runs after us wondering what's going on, but we don't look back. You can never look back. Hehe.

Please, let me quickly reiterate: swingers- you all are fine. I just have a hard time picking up on your cues. See, I don't swing. Churchgoers-you are fine. I'm a Christian, albeit a foul-mouthed hypocritical one, but a Christian all the same. I just don't want to go to your church.

I've got a writing class to participate in and a beer to drink, and not necessarily in that order. Happy Thursday! Bottoms up!

If You're Going To Criticize, At Least Read The Blog First.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with http://peek.usertesting.com. This is where a complete stranger looks over your blog, gives their opinion and e-mails you a video where they verbally tear it apart. In fairness, she didn't read my blog, just glanced at it. My opinion is to STAY AWAY if you can't handle some criticism. I'm all for criticism, because any kind of response is a good response; better than nothing, right? I'm so full of shit right now. The truth is I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! I figure you'll read my blog, or you won't. Either is fine. But I regret doing this stupid peek usertesting thing.

Sorry to cut this short, but I'm a glutton for punishment and now I'm off to submit my other blog for a nice verbal lashing. Cheers!

The VA Loan Saga Continues

January 7th, 2014. This is the day I signed paperwork for my VA loan. They were going to drop my interest rate from 4.375% to 4.25%. Sounded good to me! I gave them the appropriate paperwork requested and off we went! First they demanded paperwork for a child support case that's now closed. I gave them proof that I no longer pay child support. That wasn't good enough. I was on the phone for 45 minutes to the child support agency only to find out they couldn't provide any paperwork because my child support case is CLOSED! Doh! They then demand my marriage certificate-being married thirteen years wasn't sufficient proof for them. Screw your driver's license and social security card! We need the actual certificate.

So, I jumped through their hoops and FINALLY received my paperwork to look over at the beginning of April. They upped the interest rate to 4.88%. They also didn't credit the $100 I spent towards the appraiser and decided to charge $150 for a free termite inspection. Oh no you don't! I sent an e-mail demanding they fix it. Yes, I sent an e-mail. They absolutely refuse to deal with me (the loan holder) on the phone and begrudgingly deal with me through e-mail. They prefer my mellow, I'm-going-with-the-flow husband over fuck-you-you're-not-getting-over-on-me-fix-this-shit-now me. Honestly, the hubby and I think they're scared of me.

They assure me (via e-mail, of course) that they will fix it. Great! So, we're set to close this thing yesterday. Tuesday they e-mail me the new paperwork and demand I have a document that I don't have (original copy, naturally) by the next day. <Insert groan>. I read over the paperwork and flip my lid. The new interest rate? 4.625%. I sent them an e-mail telling them I absolutely refuse to sign. Well, maybe it wasn't that nicely put, but you get the point. (There is a reason they are afraid of me.) They frantically call the hubby. He finally tells them to call me. I have yet to receive a phone call, but I did receive an e-mail a day later.

Allegedly, they will give me the rate (that we agreed on in January) that I want. Third time's the charm, right? So, we will close this thing (possibly) next Wednesday, assuming they don't try to pull anymore crap. So, here we go! Keep your fingers crossed for me because this loan would REALLY help with our (countless) debts, but what's the point of a refi if they don't beat your current interest rate and keep nickel and diming you?

All this typing is making me thirsty. I think I see a cold one in my immediate future. Don't stay thirsty, my friends. Go grab a cold one and enjoy!

Happy Tax Day Eve! Is It The End Of The World?

No, it's not. But there will be a blood moon AND a lunar eclipse. Today I'm going to count points and eat healthy. I need to lose 10 (ideally 30) pounds. This beer I'm drinking? It's light beer-2 points. Yep, I'm doing it people, but I won't bore you with the details because you don't bore me with your details when you decide to go on a (semi) health kick. So, I bring you TAX DAY FREEBIES! Who doesn't like free (junk) food? Oh, right, me...anyhoo:

 http://www.spendwithpennies.com/?p=77431

Tax Day Freebies 2014: 8 Good Deals Even If You Don't Get A Return

Highlights From The Past Week...

Monday April 7th-National Beer Day: You know what I did? Yard work! What did you expect me to say? Okay, I did imbibe in one or two (three or four) beers.
 
Thursday April 10th-National Siblings Day: In my opinion, this day should fall on National Beer Day so you can either celebrate with your much-loved siblings or commiserate with friends over your much-despised siblings. Just a thought.
 
Friday April 11th-National Cheese Fondue Day: Honestly, I didn't know about this holiday and spent the day in beautiful Santa Barbara with the family where we tried steamed mussels (meh), steamed clams (yum) and Red Snapper ceviche (YUM!)
 
Saturday April 12th-National Grilled Cheese Day: Another National day I had no idea about. I took the family to our local baseball stadium (Go Jethawks!!) for an Autism Awareness Walk that had a ton of kid-friendly activities and a plethora of information. We then headed over to my Mom's house for a barbecue where I got food poisoning and ended up vomiting and shitting my brains out all night. Did that put a pretty picture in your head? You're welcome!
 
Today starts National Library Week! If you have a local library, please support it. I definitely support mine and make sure I always turn my books & dvds in late. Hey, the money goes to a great cause! Hehe. I think I'm at my local library at least every two weeks, if not every week. Check the library calendar for fun, free events.

Today Marks The 7th Annual World Autism Awareness Day!

World Autism Awareness Day is April 2nd every year. I wore blue today, including a blue streak through my red hair and I'm lighting up my porch at night with a blue bulb!

I think it's really important for everyone to become more aware about Autism and Aspergers. My 9-year-old is an Aspie and was diagnosed a few years ago. He's very high-functioning and a great kid, but that doesn't stop the ignorant from not allowing their kids to play with him. I actually have a neighbor who refuses to let her kids ride their bikes in front of my house. Autism is not contagious! Sheesh! Let's end the ignorance for the Auties and Aspies of the world, shall we?

If you haven't done so already, go buy yourself a $4 (energy efficient) bulb and burn that baby at night! I love how my city is lighting it up! Let's celebrate this thing and embrace the differences of each other. It's what makes us special and unique. Spread the word that it's okay to be different! So, cheers to that! I'm holding up my (blue) can of beer. Let's do this damn thang!

I Walk To The Beat Of My Own Drum.

That is why I celebrated National Take A Walk In The Park Day today instead of yesterday. The hubby had the day off and we had a picnic, got rushed by a hundred ducks and geese and had a blast! Listen, I love you. You know I do, but I've got to say that blogging five days a week is especially hard. I can see why many do it twice a week. Silly me decided one blog wasn't good enough. Oh NO! I have two. So, I'm going to cut back on my blogging days. You don't need me every day. Hell, people in my actual life don't need me every day, except my little family here at home. Without me they'd starve and live in utter filth. So I'm taking a deep breath and cutting back my days of blogging. That way I don't feel so...panicked.

Here's a quick reminder: Wednesday is the 7th Annual World Autism Awareness Day and April is National Autism Awareness Month (NAAM). Wear blue and if you can, put a blue (energy efficient) bulb in that porch light and let it shine! I will be back on my blog on Wednesday. See? The anticipation is already building! Hehe. Cheers...wait. Crap. Where's my beer? Ah, there it is. Cheers!