It took me forever to figure out what TBT is. I figured I was safe because I got all my shots when I was in school and in the Army. So, in honor of throwback Thursday, I present you with a little story that happened MANY years ago.
The hubby and I went to a nice little bar where a live band was playing and we ended up hanging out with a couple. After a few drinks, I use the ladies room and she follows me in.
"I have something to show you!" Next thing I knew, there was a shaved, pierced vajayjay in my face.
"What do you think?" she asks. "Um, I think that looks like it hurt!" I respond. After this, we have a normal conversation and I figure she's drunk. I mean, I've had boobs flopped in my face and nothing ever came from it, so no biggie. Us women are crazy and even crazier things happen in the restroom.
A couple hours go by. "Baby, these guys are swingers," my hubby whispers to me. What? No, no way. "No, they're not. They're just friendly." He sighs and shrugs his shoulders. The nice couple invites us back to their hotel room after the bar closes and I happily agree. Again, the hubby tells me they're swingers and I dismiss his paranoia.
We go into the hotel room, have a little smoky-smoky and drinky-drinky and the guy proceeds to tell me some of his cop adventures. See, he was a cop, that's how I KNEW we were safe and that my husband was mistaken. Then the story takes a turn, and he starts talking about how he likes to videotape his wife naked in the hot tub....having sex with other men. As a matter-of-fact, he just videotaped her last week. I'm starting to get a little uneasy now. Is that the cop's hand on my knee? Why is my new friend trying to sit on my hubby's lap and show him her boobies?
I quickly excuse myself and tell the couple that I need to use the restroom and that the hubby needs to come with me. They're fine with that, so off to the bathroom we go. I quickly lock the door because the cop's wife is following us. "Baby," I loudly whisper, "I think they're SWINGERS!!!" My husband gives me an amused look and says,"What gave you THAT idea." Sarcastic son-of-a...
So now I'm panicked and we're trapped in the bathroom with nowhere to go. The cop's wife is at the door asking if everything's okay, meanwhile I'm trying to figure out a way to politely get the hell out of there. Yeah, like I said, this was MANY years ago, and I've come a long way, baby. Nowadays, the first thing out of my mouth when I meet a nice couple is: I don't swing and I don't want to go to your church. No offense to swingers or outgoing churchgoers.
I tell the wife everything is fine and we'll be out in a moment. We leave the bathroom, sit as far across the room as we possibly can, and casually sip our wine cooler (I said I've come a long way, dammit!) "Oh! Shit, I forgot that I left my phone in the car and I need to make a phone call." The cop insists I can use the hotel phone, or at the very least, his phone. I'm adamant."Oh no, the number I need to call is stored in my phone." The couple seems to buy my story until I mention that I need the hubby to come along with me. "He's got the car keys," I say. "Can't he just give you the keys?" they ask. "Sure, but I just bought the phone and don't exactly know how to use it", I explain.
"Can't you just bring the phone from the car into the hotel room?" Crap, I'm getting nowhere fast.
"Hey guys, the husband's got to go with me. We'll be right back. Look, we HAVE to come back because we're bringing our wine coolers with us." That made perfect sense to the couple and we were free to go. "Hurry back," they slurred.
The hubby and I casually walk out, close the door behind us and begin a slow walk to the car until: CRASH! My wine cooler bottle hits the ground and breaks. The door behind us flies open. The hubby and I look at each other and simultaneously yell,"SHIT!" and take off running to the car. The couple runs after us wondering what's going on, but we don't look back. You can never look back. Hehe.
Please, let me quickly reiterate: swingers- you all are fine. I just have a hard time picking up on your cues. See, I don't swing. Churchgoers-you are fine. I'm a Christian, albeit a foul-mouthed hypocritical one, but a Christian all the same. I just don't want to go to your church.
I've got a writing class to participate in and a beer to drink, and not necessarily in that order. Happy Thursday! Bottoms up!
