I Wouldn't Know A Swinger If A Pierced Vagina Was Thrown In My Face.

It took me forever to figure out what TBT is. I figured I was safe because I got all my shots when I was in school and in the Army. So, in honor of throwback Thursday, I present you with a little story that happened MANY years ago.

The hubby and I went to a nice little bar where a live band was playing and we ended up hanging out with a couple. After a few drinks, I use the ladies room and she follows me in.
"I have something to show you!" Next thing I knew, there was a shaved, pierced vajayjay in my face.
"What do you think?" she asks. "Um, I think that looks like it hurt!" I respond. After this, we have a normal conversation and I figure she's drunk. I mean, I've had boobs flopped in my face and nothing ever came from it, so no biggie. Us women are crazy and even crazier things happen in the restroom.

A couple hours go by. "Baby, these guys are swingers," my hubby whispers to me. What? No, no way. "No, they're not. They're just friendly." He sighs and shrugs his shoulders. The nice couple invites us back to their hotel room after the bar closes and I happily agree. Again, the hubby tells me they're swingers and I dismiss his paranoia.

We go into the hotel room, have a little smoky-smoky and drinky-drinky and the guy proceeds to tell me some of his cop adventures. See, he was a cop, that's how I KNEW we were safe and that my husband was mistaken. Then the story takes a turn, and he starts talking about how he likes to videotape his wife naked in the hot tub....having sex with other men. As a matter-of-fact, he just videotaped her last week. I'm starting to get a little uneasy now. Is that the cop's hand on my knee? Why is my new friend trying to sit on my hubby's lap and show him her boobies?

I quickly excuse myself and tell the couple that I need to use the restroom and that the hubby needs to come with me. They're fine with that, so off to the bathroom we go. I quickly lock the door because the cop's wife is following us. "Baby," I loudly whisper, "I think they're SWINGERS!!!" My husband gives me an amused look and says,"What gave you THAT idea." Sarcastic son-of-a...

So now I'm panicked and we're trapped in the bathroom with nowhere to go. The cop's wife is at the door asking if everything's okay, meanwhile I'm trying to figure out a way to politely get the hell out of there. Yeah, like I said, this was MANY years ago, and I've come a long way, baby. Nowadays, the first thing out of my mouth when I meet a nice couple is: I don't swing and I don't want to go to your church. No offense to swingers or outgoing churchgoers.

I tell the wife everything is fine and we'll be out in a moment. We leave the bathroom, sit as far across the room as we possibly can, and casually sip our wine cooler (I said I've come a long way, dammit!) "Oh! Shit, I forgot that I left my phone in the car and I need to make a phone call." The cop insists I can use the hotel phone, or at the very least, his phone. I'm adamant."Oh no, the number I need to call is stored in my phone." The couple seems to buy my story until I mention that I need the hubby to come along with me. "He's got the car keys," I say. "Can't he just give you the keys?" they ask. "Sure, but I just bought the phone and don't exactly know how to use it", I explain.
"Can't you just bring the phone from the car into the hotel room?" Crap, I'm getting nowhere fast.

"Hey guys, the husband's got to go with me. We'll be right back. Look, we HAVE to come back because we're bringing our wine coolers with us." That made perfect sense to the couple and we were free to go. "Hurry back," they slurred.

The hubby and I casually walk out, close the door behind us and begin a slow walk to the car until: CRASH! My wine cooler bottle hits the ground and breaks. The door behind us flies open. The hubby and I look at each other and simultaneously yell,"SHIT!" and take off running to the car. The couple runs after us wondering what's going on, but we don't look back. You can never look back. Hehe.

Please, let me quickly reiterate: swingers- you all are fine. I just have a hard time picking up on your cues. See, I don't swing. Churchgoers-you are fine. I'm a Christian, albeit a foul-mouthed hypocritical one, but a Christian all the same. I just don't want to go to your church.

I've got a writing class to participate in and a beer to drink, and not necessarily in that order. Happy Thursday! Bottoms up!

If You're Going To Criticize, At Least Read The Blog First.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with http://peek.usertesting.com. This is where a complete stranger looks over your blog, gives their opinion and e-mails you a video where they verbally tear it apart. In fairness, she didn't read my blog, just glanced at it. My opinion is to STAY AWAY if you can't handle some criticism. I'm all for criticism, because any kind of response is a good response; better than nothing, right? I'm so full of shit right now. The truth is I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! I figure you'll read my blog, or you won't. Either is fine. But I regret doing this stupid peek usertesting thing.

Sorry to cut this short, but I'm a glutton for punishment and now I'm off to submit my other blog for a nice verbal lashing. Cheers!

The VA Loan Saga Continues

January 7th, 2014. This is the day I signed paperwork for my VA loan. They were going to drop my interest rate from 4.375% to 4.25%. Sounded good to me! I gave them the appropriate paperwork requested and off we went! First they demanded paperwork for a child support case that's now closed. I gave them proof that I no longer pay child support. That wasn't good enough. I was on the phone for 45 minutes to the child support agency only to find out they couldn't provide any paperwork because my child support case is CLOSED! Doh! They then demand my marriage certificate-being married thirteen years wasn't sufficient proof for them. Screw your driver's license and social security card! We need the actual certificate.

So, I jumped through their hoops and FINALLY received my paperwork to look over at the beginning of April. They upped the interest rate to 4.88%. They also didn't credit the $100 I spent towards the appraiser and decided to charge $150 for a free termite inspection. Oh no you don't! I sent an e-mail demanding they fix it. Yes, I sent an e-mail. They absolutely refuse to deal with me (the loan holder) on the phone and begrudgingly deal with me through e-mail. They prefer my mellow, I'm-going-with-the-flow husband over fuck-you-you're-not-getting-over-on-me-fix-this-shit-now me. Honestly, the hubby and I think they're scared of me.

They assure me (via e-mail, of course) that they will fix it. Great! So, we're set to close this thing yesterday. Tuesday they e-mail me the new paperwork and demand I have a document that I don't have (original copy, naturally) by the next day. <Insert groan>. I read over the paperwork and flip my lid. The new interest rate? 4.625%. I sent them an e-mail telling them I absolutely refuse to sign. Well, maybe it wasn't that nicely put, but you get the point. (There is a reason they are afraid of me.) They frantically call the hubby. He finally tells them to call me. I have yet to receive a phone call, but I did receive an e-mail a day later.

Allegedly, they will give me the rate (that we agreed on in January) that I want. Third time's the charm, right? So, we will close this thing (possibly) next Wednesday, assuming they don't try to pull anymore crap. So, here we go! Keep your fingers crossed for me because this loan would REALLY help with our (countless) debts, but what's the point of a refi if they don't beat your current interest rate and keep nickel and diming you?

All this typing is making me thirsty. I think I see a cold one in my immediate future. Don't stay thirsty, my friends. Go grab a cold one and enjoy!

Happy Tax Day Eve! Is It The End Of The World?

No, it's not. But there will be a blood moon AND a lunar eclipse. Today I'm going to count points and eat healthy. I need to lose 10 (ideally 30) pounds. This beer I'm drinking? It's light beer-2 points. Yep, I'm doing it people, but I won't bore you with the details because you don't bore me with your details when you decide to go on a (semi) health kick. So, I bring you TAX DAY FREEBIES! Who doesn't like free (junk) food? Oh, right, me...anyhoo:

 http://www.spendwithpennies.com/?p=77431

Tax Day Freebies 2014: 8 Good Deals Even If You Don't Get A Return

Highlights From The Past Week...

Monday April 7th-National Beer Day: You know what I did? Yard work! What did you expect me to say? Okay, I did imbibe in one or two (three or four) beers.
 
Thursday April 10th-National Siblings Day: In my opinion, this day should fall on National Beer Day so you can either celebrate with your much-loved siblings or commiserate with friends over your much-despised siblings. Just a thought.
 
Friday April 11th-National Cheese Fondue Day: Honestly, I didn't know about this holiday and spent the day in beautiful Santa Barbara with the family where we tried steamed mussels (meh), steamed clams (yum) and Red Snapper ceviche (YUM!)
 
Saturday April 12th-National Grilled Cheese Day: Another National day I had no idea about. I took the family to our local baseball stadium (Go Jethawks!!) for an Autism Awareness Walk that had a ton of kid-friendly activities and a plethora of information. We then headed over to my Mom's house for a barbecue where I got food poisoning and ended up vomiting and shitting my brains out all night. Did that put a pretty picture in your head? You're welcome!
 
Today starts National Library Week! If you have a local library, please support it. I definitely support mine and make sure I always turn my books & dvds in late. Hey, the money goes to a great cause! Hehe. I think I'm at my local library at least every two weeks, if not every week. Check the library calendar for fun, free events.

Today Marks The 7th Annual World Autism Awareness Day!

World Autism Awareness Day is April 2nd every year. I wore blue today, including a blue streak through my red hair and I'm lighting up my porch at night with a blue bulb!

I think it's really important for everyone to become more aware about Autism and Aspergers. My 9-year-old is an Aspie and was diagnosed a few years ago. He's very high-functioning and a great kid, but that doesn't stop the ignorant from not allowing their kids to play with him. I actually have a neighbor who refuses to let her kids ride their bikes in front of my house. Autism is not contagious! Sheesh! Let's end the ignorance for the Auties and Aspies of the world, shall we?

If you haven't done so already, go buy yourself a $4 (energy efficient) bulb and burn that baby at night! I love how my city is lighting it up! Let's celebrate this thing and embrace the differences of each other. It's what makes us special and unique. Spread the word that it's okay to be different! So, cheers to that! I'm holding up my (blue) can of beer. Let's do this damn thang!

I Walk To The Beat Of My Own Drum.

That is why I celebrated National Take A Walk In The Park Day today instead of yesterday. The hubby had the day off and we had a picnic, got rushed by a hundred ducks and geese and had a blast! Listen, I love you. You know I do, but I've got to say that blogging five days a week is especially hard. I can see why many do it twice a week. Silly me decided one blog wasn't good enough. Oh NO! I have two. So, I'm going to cut back on my blogging days. You don't need me every day. Hell, people in my actual life don't need me every day, except my little family here at home. Without me they'd starve and live in utter filth. So I'm taking a deep breath and cutting back my days of blogging. That way I don't feel so...panicked.

Here's a quick reminder: Wednesday is the 7th Annual World Autism Awareness Day and April is National Autism Awareness Month (NAAM). Wear blue and if you can, put a blue (energy efficient) bulb in that porch light and let it shine! I will be back on my blog on Wednesday. See? The anticipation is already building! Hehe. Cheers...wait. Crap. Where's my beer? Ah, there it is. Cheers!

Freaky Friday!

Yeah it's freaky! For me at least. I have a doctor appointment (hate those). Before I go, let me share with you what I found in my other folder on Facebook in March. It's from a perfect stranger and was sent in February. Yeah, I don't check the other folder often. His Facebook page seems legit, but who knows? Here we go!
 
Facebook (stalker?) admirer:
 
What a lovely picture you have got.I know you do not know me before but don't be frightened.....I am just an admirer.I am single and thought it will cause no harm to drop a short note to say hi to a beautiful lady like you......Never mean to flatter you but you are really pretty for real....Maybe we can get to know each other,Waiting impatiently to hear from you....lol. Love ya sweet smile
 
I had to feed the stray...my response:
 

Just found this in my "other" folder, lol. Now I'm trying to remember what picture you possibly saw. Thanks for the flattery. I'm happily married but appreciate the compliments all the same :-)
 
Of course if you feed the stray, it comes back.
 
Facebook admirer:
 
Thanks for your response, I think it would be formal if I get to introduce myself. I am John. I am Based In United State(Texas). I was born April 14TH I am 50yrs old. I am a Civil-Structural Analyst and I work as the Field Supervisor for my company, My job takes me to different part of the world.I am Divorced,With One daughter Amanda.. she's My only daughter (Amanda) she is just 11yrs old and staying with my Mom in Armanian because of the nature of my job. she says she wants to grow up and become a professional dancer . I spend my quiet time listening to music and reading. That's basically me, summarized into those 6 lines.please can you send me your email address so we can get to know each other more better and Note This ain't No Joke ok.. Take care and hope to hear from you soonest. You can tell me about yourself, if it's okay with you. Always
 
Here is my response:
 
Cool! Can you send me some money? actually, I prefer a money order :-)
 
Surprisingly, I haven't heard from him since. He saw the comment but hasn't responded or sent money. Of course names, dates and places have been changed. Have a great weekend! I'll be back Monday. I'm off to see the doctor (nothing serious) and THEN I can enjoy my beer. Bottoms up! Though I hope not literally. You know how doctors can be.

 

Goopy Thursday

Here I am! Better late than never, right? Here in California it's still Thursday, but since it's not Thursday everywhere, I'll save Throwback Thursday for next Thursday. It's really fun, so I hear, er, read. We'll do that next time. As for tonight, instead of simplifying your life, goopify it! Do any of you read Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop website? Yeah, me neither. Anyhoo, here is a fun link: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/low_concept/2014/03/gwyneth_paltrow_is_consciously_uncoupled_what_s_your_goop_ified_relationship.html

I am "purposefully interlaced." I'm also really tired, so I'm going to finish this beer and call it a night. Cheers and goodnight!

Am I The Only One Having One Of Those Days?

It's Wednesday! We're halfway through the week, but it's one of those days, at least for me. Of course there are people out there with worse problems than me. I try to stay current with the news both at home and around the world, but that still doesn't prevent me from having a self-inflicted pity party. We all need to throw ourselves one of these parties every now and again. Then we need to snap out of it, count our blessings and roll with the punches.

So, I'll snap these fingers (oh my, I really do need to get some polish on those suckers), count my blessings, which are many, and roll with the punches. Screw it! I'm popping open a beer and watching some meaningless dribble on Netflix. Cheers!

It Costs How Much To Rent A Campground Space?!

$45 a night. This is just a simple campground-no hook-ups, no frills, probably no campfires. I do believe I can get a cheap hotel and hooker on Sierra Highway for that price. I said I believe, I don't actually KNOW! Quit staring at the computer screen like that!

The money charged for the campground sites go to the maintenance and upkeep of the campgrounds, forests, Ranger's salaries, etc., but it still hurts the pocketbook knowing I have to pay $180 for a four-day camping trip. That's before firewood (assuming we can have campfires), food, gas and most importantly, beer. Ah, but it must be done. Camping is a must for this family. We even plan two or three trips a year. I'm not saying we go on them, because after the first camping trip we've usually had enough roughing it for the year. But we do plan them. As a matter of fact, we have an RV camping trip planned with the in-laws for August. From the beautiful Antelope Valley, to Mammoth Lakes then on to Tahoe. This is either going to be really fun or a hellish nightmare. Regardless, I'll have material for my blog.

Anybody out there have any camping trips planned?

What Happens When You Yell "BOOYA!" In A Public Bathroom?

Come on, people. Do you really think I'd actually yell "Booya!" in a public bathroom? Yes? Well then, I guess you DO know me.

The family and I went to a fundraising event Friday night at our local Jethawks Stadium and were lucky enough to meet the pilots and crew of the Navy's Blue Angels. Here are some highlights from the event:

Me: Hello there! What is that you're wearing?

Blue Angel Crew Member: My uniform, ma'am.

Me: What I mean is why is it a different color than the pilot's uniform?

Blue Angel Crew Member: Because I'm not a pilot, ma'am.

Obviously eloquence is not one of my strong points. We shared a good laugh and he explained his job duties.

My hubby accidentally kicked over a pilot's beer. It just so happened to be the pilot I may have accosted in the beer line earlier that night (don't ask.) Of COURSE I bought him a new one. I'm not an animal! Perhaps that's up for debate.

Here's another snippet of conversation between me and the semi-accosted pilot:

Me: So, where are the Blue Angels?

Blue Angel Pilot: They're under the tent, ma'am.

Me: You fit the planes under the tent?

Blue Angel Pilot: Oh! No ma'am. We couldn't fit them here, so it's just us Blue Angel pilots gathered under the tent.

After one or two (several) beers, I decided to conduct an experiment. This experiment was conducted in a series of three bathroom visits.

The first two visits consisted of me yelling at my purse. Nothing. Apparently when you go into a public stall and start yelling at your purse, nobody bats an eye. It must be a woman thing. But yell "Booya!" twice and the place clears out. Quickly.

I was in my stall. The first time I yelled "Booya!" the whole room fell silent, except for the scurrying of people rushing to get out, especially the lady in the stall next to me.

I gave one more "Booya!" shout-out for good measure and heard a soft,"Oh my!" before the woman rushed out (AFTER washing her hands, thank goodness.)

Side note: I was telling the hubby yesterday about today's blog topic. "That explains why everybody was rushing out of the restroom looking freaked out," he says. Yes, it certainly does.

Imagine my amusement yesterday having to hear "Booya!" being yelled by the hubby every thirty minutes or so throughout the house followed by hysterical laughter.

Foolish Falderal Friday! Go Ahead, Get The Dictionary...

TGIF! Hope you are having a fantastically fabulous Friday! Here is a foolish little poem about a bus ride I took twelve years ago titled: The Bus Ride (Yes, yes, the title is quite original, don't you think?)

Once upon a starry night the moon was brightly lit.

A gentle breeze tickles distant trees and on this bus I sit.

Gazing out my window admiring the night

Wishing I could read my book, alas there is no light.

Dispersing that one thought I gaze outside once more.

Slowly I’m relaxing when a man begins to snore.

His snoring becomes louder as he sleeps without a care,

Protected by his peaceful dreams against my cold, hard glare.

Trying my best to block out the noise I take in more sights ASTOUNDING!

The bus driver almost sideswiped a truck and it sends my heart a-pounding.

The best thing to do in a case such as this is to quickly drift asleep.

Of course this proves most difficult when a child is kicking the seat!

Finally peace and quiet with a little time to think…

I spoke to soon, it figures! The bathroom’s making the whole bus stink!

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Stay tuned! I'll be back Monday. Next Friday I will be sharing a little gem I found in my other folder on Facebook. It's fun, fatuous and, dare I add, a little freaky.

 

falderal [fal-duh-ral]

noun

1.) mere nonsense, foolish talk or ideas

2.) a trifle; gimcrack; gew-gaw

 

Can't leave you hanging! If you're wondering what the hell a gimcrack is, like I was, I'll tell you: it's a trifle or gew-gaw. A gew-gaw is what a baby babbles. No, it's a showy, gaudy but valueless and useless trinket or bauble. If you don't know what a bauble is, you're on your own. I've got pizza to eat and beer to drink. Have a great weekend! Cheers!

Here Stalker, Stalker! Go Bing Yourself!

Out of curiosity I typed my name into the Google search engine to see what would pop up. You know you've done it, too. If not, no worries, this blog will be here when you return from your search. This was a relatively boring search. However, when I typed my name into the Bing search engine, the white pages popped up. Here you will find:

-My phone number
-My approximate age
-People I may know
-My physical address
-A map showing how to get to my physical address
-My home's current value
-My weight and bra size

Maybe I made up the last two, but for a flat fee you can run a full background check on me. Save your money; I've been to jail twice and my driving record is clean. Yes, all of our information is out there! Kind of scary, huh?

My Mailman Is A Crook

  Who would've thought my archenemy would be the mailman, or, to be PC, the mail carrier? Nah, fuck it, let's go with mailspawn. It never fails, regardless of who is delivering my mail, they always end up being weird, an asshole, or a combination of the two.
   Monday March 16th I put my .49 cent stamp on my 9x12 manila envelope, clearly having a blonde moment, as I know it requires TWO .49 cent stamps.

  Checking my mail, I see my envelope with "Two more stamps needed" scribbled in the upper corner. Wait, TWO more stamps needed? *headshake* Whatever. Gently peeling off my unused stamp, I affix it to a letter-size envelope (standard No. 10 Security envelope, if you please) and place it in the mail.
  I'll be damned if the mailspawn didn't place THAT envelope back into my mailbox with his chickenscratch writing stating "Stamp no good", having circled the date on the stamp. (I bought it on March 13th.) But if it was good enough on the 16th it should be good enough on the 17th. Well played, mailspawn, well played.

  I have an ace in my hand, a trick up my sleeve, a...oh, hell, I have a brand new Forever stamp. Now, let's see him try to put the envelope in my mailbox TODAY with some lame bullshitty excuse to cheat me out of my money. Oh, and I will be taking that .49 cent stamp back to the post office to recoup my money. It's about the principal now, isn't it?